LOVE #7♡:MY STRUGGLES WITH CHRISTIANITY AND MENTAL HEALTH

We can all agree that there is a stigma around mental health issues more so in the christian community.Especially when it comes to things such as putting yourself and your needs first because this is seen as selfishness.Also the practice of self-love and self compassion is seen as loving yourself more than you love God and not wanting to respect the accountability that comes with being saved.

 That's what I'll dive into today through my own personal experience.

Two years ago,I had the deep belief that as a Christian It was wrong to go to consult a psychiatrist or even go for therapy.I believed that if I actually had faith then I had no reason to be anxious, I had no reason to be depressed and generally I had no reason to feel any thing other than the "joy of the Lord!🙂."

It was an ongoing narrative in my head and every time I couldn't get out of bed because I felt so drained and empty or when I was so anxious that I couldn't enter a car without a million different thoughts of everything  that could go wrong, I heavily rebuked myself for being a "bad christian" and not trusting God enough to protect me or Jesus not being enough to keep me happy.

I spent so long trying to pray myself out of being mentally ill and completely loathing myself because of the things I felt that was not portraying what I saw as being a " good Christian".

The Church and social media ( some part of it ) didn't make things any better especially when I saw posts of people calling mental illnesses "demonic possession" and that we were fighting spiritual warfares that I felt I was  losing.

My mind became an unbearable place to be because every time I felt these "negative feelings",I equated myself as being a horrible Christian who was going to burn in hell.This in turn,made my mental and eventually physical health even worse.

The first time I went to see a psychiatrist I was too out of it to think about how bad of a Christian I was.Those thoughts came later when I was looking at the pills they gave me.

My head kept telling me that I was putting my trust on " mambo za dunia " (😂) instead of believing in Jesus' healing.

I tried telling myself that people with malaria didn't stay at home to pray instead of going to the hospital but the wonderful person in my head was not convinced that mental illness was a real illness and it couldn't believe how I had the audacity to find healing in any person other than Christ.

I was significantly harder on myself than other people because if someone told me they were going to therapy and then I saw them in church the next day I wouldn't damn them to hell like I did to myself  because I didn't see myself as "sick enough."

It reached a point where I gave myself two options.It was either therapy + pills or Christianity.

I chose mambo za dunia.

And I said to Christianity and the voice in my head, " thankyou so much for your time,it was horrible meeting you and you will not be seeing me again anytime soon 🙃."

Deep down I knew I couldn't do life without God but then I remembered the anguish I put myself through in the name of Christianity and tried anyway.It was horrible but at least I wasn't condeming myself as hard as I did before,so I went with it.

That went on for a long time until last September when I changed my therapist since I moved from Eldoret to Nakuru.

She gave me a paper to fill and the top of it was a quote ( I can't remember what ) that implied that her organisation was guided by God.

I looked at it and as she asked me questions about my Christianity and such I kept thinking about the quote.

If she was a therapist but her organisation was guided by God,then those two things could co exist.

My  mindset didn't shift completely at that moment because even now,I sometimes feel unworthy.BUT it was a step in the right direction.

It steered me towards believing that even someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Bipolar Disorder was still as worthy of God's love as any other person. Even when the symptoms are frowed upon and one is often labelled as an "abuser" or a "horrible person". 

It was okay to see a Psychiatrist and to have medicine prescribed to you and it was perfectly okay to see a therapist despite the fact that you are Christian.

That it didn't mean you didn't have faith and lacked belief in God.The moment I started to believe that these two notions could co-exist my mind became a healthier place to be.

And both my relationship with God and myself started to become better.

There was still accountability that came with Christianity but I also had the self-compassion to remember that I was human and could still feel human feelings despite being a Christian.

I have since started being honest with God with my feelings and my thoughts instead of running away from them even when I feel unworthy for feeling them.For example when I feel hopless and want to give up,I tell God just that or If I am so angry at someone that want to do not so godly things to them I tell him that as well and let Him guide me through whatever I am feeling.

Basically I don't try to supress everything I labelled as 'dirty' before but run to God with them instead.

  ♡Luke 5:30 -32

~ But the Pharisees and their teachers of religious law complained bitterly to Jesus’ disciples, “Why do you eat and drink with such scum.

31 Jesus answered them, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do. 32 I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners and need to repent.”~

♡1st John 4 :16-21

 ~16 We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love.

God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. 17 And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world.

18 Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. 19 We love each other because he loved us first.

20 If someone says, “I love God,” but hates a fellow believer style that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see? 21 And he has given us this command: Those who love God must also love their fellow believers.~

And this is how you should love:

♡1st Corinthians 13:4-8 (a)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no account of wrongs. Love takes no pleasure in evil, but rejoices in the truth.It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.Love never fails.